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undertaker

Some Jokes - Enjoy!

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undertaker

If you like please reply will post more

Where do babies come from?

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his ***** in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s ***** in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

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Answers to some 'Stupid Questions

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question: - Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer: - Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here.

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question: - Sorry, did that hurt? Answer: -No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia. Why don't you try again?

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question: - Why, why him, of all people.

Answer: - Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question: - Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good?? Answer: - No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after! Years Stupid Question: - Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big. Answer: - Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6.When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question: - Is the guy you're marrying well?

Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive

lout...it's just the money.

7.When you get woken up at midnight by a phone calls...

Stupid Question: - Sorry. Were you sleeping? Answer:- No. I was

doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or

not.

You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8.When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9.At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10.You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer: - Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

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Some little johnny

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.

Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'

Little Johnny: All right. 'I am the ninth letter of the

alphabet.'

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?" "My goldfish died", replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

One day Lil Jony says to his father:

I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johny: Yes , Gradma

Father: What? There is a problem now, you want to marry my Mother?

Johny: Why not? You married my mother

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a

question..

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence

and you shot one with your gun, how many would be

left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly

away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I

like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.

If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a

shop,one licking her cone, the second biting her cone,

and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one

sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding

ring on her finger. But I like the way you are

thinking..

Little johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think.

So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.

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FRIEND

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved"

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Little Mary & Little Johny

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept

through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair

behind her, took his sharp pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good."

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her in the ***. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good."

Then, a little while later, the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Once again, Johnny jabbed her with his pencil. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

The teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked.

Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.

After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."

Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

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Height of thinking

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She

noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account

of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved

again and then on her third move he burst out

laughing..................

She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted

in

such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she

was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The

Gold Dust Twins' . I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving

advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could

not

control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an

advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this

accident.'

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George Bush

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve".

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, Where is "Bob"?

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Funny things kids say

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Daaad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long s ilence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes" he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."

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Smokey poem

Smoker's Pride Neighbors Deride

--------------------------------

Cigarette in my hand...I feel like a man...

It gives me the confidence...that "I can"...

You don't agree...?? wait till I show you...

Its importance - then you won't argue...

I need it as the morning rays fall on the pane...

So that the nature's call is not a pain...

I need it with my breakfast toast...

To supply me the vitamins I need the most...

I need it when I enter my work-place...

To give me the energy to match the pace...

I need it after my lunch...

To increase the digestion after the munch...

I need it in my coffee break...

And that's just for keeping me awake...

I need it with my evening snacks...

To lift my verve when it sags...

I need it when I leave for the day...

to relax after the tortuous play...

I need it when I move around with friends...

to get the "kick" and feel the trends...

I need it after my dinner...

To adieu my day as a winner.

On my way to glory...

I overlook the statutory warning written on the pack...

For my valour - I should be given a pat on my back.

I feed gallons of smoke to my neighbour...

Can anyone else boast of such a favour ??

An apple a day keeps the doctors away...

The doctors then,won't have any say.

I keep the doctors busy n working...

The apple would have left them sulking.

I contribute heavily in the government's revenues...

which help them venture the different avenues...

And you want me to quit smoking ??

I am sure you must be joking.

I am happy the way I am.

I'm no saint up above the hills.

And if at all I decide to quit...

What'll happen to the company called WILLS ??

WARNING: Cigarette smoking is injurious to health

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Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's

mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my

birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this

year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would

like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend

Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and

started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,

I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for

my birthday.

Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote

a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be

a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you,

Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a

bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom

that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had

worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner,"

Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on

the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He

looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up

a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and

ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his

room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper

and a pen.Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MOMMY. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

BOBBY

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A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am i to know? All bees look the same to me."

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Unused stuff

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to

find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband

stopped her with these words: 'Before you leave, I want you

to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along

the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and

bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from

the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She

had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a

pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone

out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I

bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the

colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave

her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small

for you now. Then, as the young girl was about to leave the

house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your

wife doesn't use anymore?'

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INDIAN MOM, $#113$%*

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,

and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,

she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate

than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney

jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but

I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm

not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact

remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that

you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was

sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now!!!!

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day:

Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Indian!

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Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: " God, When

shall I see the defeat

of Bill Clinton? "

God replies:" Son, you will not see it in your

lifetime. " Hearing this,

Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.

Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: " God,

when shall I see the

capture of Kashmir by Pakistan?"

God replies:" Son, you will not see it in your

lifetime". Hearing this, Gen

Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.

Laloo Yadav visits God and asks him:" God when shall

I see Bihar becoming a

prosperous and happy state ?"

Hearing this, God starts crying. Laloo is astounded

and asks:" God, why are

you crying ? "

God replies:" Son, I will not see it in my

lifetime."

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A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the

head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny

on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name

of the banana I bet on".

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on

the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

"Your banana phoned!"

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SuperCRacker

:lol::lol: good ones ... :rule1::lol:

SC.

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Vrane

L O L

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ALiEN

LOL! good find undertaker! ;)

ALiEN.

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Guest binky

great work, undertaker. that joke about bobby and his bike 's the greatest.

plz post more

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Locksmith

this seemed to be an appropiate place to post this. amazing what you can find on ebay now :0

h**p://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/31/ebay_box_sale/

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